Dear Asexual Community,
Hi, I’m Maggie and I’m a lesbian. And I love you. I have lots of friends who are asexual. I have heard firsthand how difficult being asexual can be. I have heard about how people always assume you are disordered, inexperienced, afraid or confused as opposed to what you really are, which is simply not sexually attracted to other people.
I would date an asexual. I would marry an asexual! I am 100% capable of never having sex again. I’m also capable of having it. I go either way. :3
But then there’s this umbrella. Called “queer.” ”Queer” is a word we re-appropriated. It used to be a word of hate. Now it’s a word of love and acceptance and understanding. Its a word that brings to mind the image of a hand holding out to all those whose identities have been erased, oppressed, denied or scorned.
We did not take this hateful word away from those who discriminated against us just to use it against another group of people who simply want our love, support and help in coming to accept themselves.
Queer, to me, should be a word that is acceptable to be used for anyone who ever looked at their sexual identity and thought “Is there something wrong with me?” Queer is a word that should go out to all those who tried to explain their sexual preferences and were brushed aside or told they were simply going through a phase or they were confused. Queer is a word that embodies those who have been neglected and abused for who they choose to love and who they choose to have (or not have) sex with.
Anyone who is unwilling to share this word has “Special Snowflake Syndrome.” They feel that if heteroromantic asexuals come into the picture and call themselves queer, they are just another group of people they have to share their super special, oh-so-angsty sense of uniqueness because they are part of a group that some people really hate. They want to be different. They want to be anti-conformist. The more people who get into the club, the less they have to brag about in terms of how much of a “rebel” they are for being the way they were born.
I would say people like this are rare. I have met very very few LGBTQA+ people who were like this in their behavior. I have, however, observed many when it comes to this issue.
The truth of the matter is, a heteroromantic asexual is not hurting you or your label of “queer” anymore than the entire gay community is hurting straight people and their label of “married.” In both cases, those who don’t want to allow the other group in are just trying to protect something from this group simply because they don’t want them to have it.
An asexual threatens my status as a “queer” person as much as a gay couple wanting to be married threatens a person who is a “spouse.”
I find it amazing that those who are opposed to asexuals using the term queer are the same ones who say things like “love is love” and “we want equality” and other pro-lgbtqa+ statements, but then turn around and shoo away our asexual friends.
No one has once explained to me what harm would come from accepting that the term “queer” does embody asexuals. If I ask, the issue gets danced around, semantics are tossed about like confetti and things about being hurt or offended come up.
Here is what is important though: Some things that are right and just and fair hurt you at first. When I was a child, my mom giving my brother candy because she’d gotten me some the day before and it was only fair hurt me. My girlfriend breaking up with me because she didn’t love me anymore and knew it wasn’t right to stay with me hurt me. Lots of things in this world that are good things have caused me negative feelings when I first encountered them because they were new, foreign, unfamiliar and they seemed, at the time, to be treading upon something I loved.
What you may feel about asexuals wanting to fit under the warm blanket that is the word “queer” could be hurt, anxiety, uncertainty, offense, annoyance… but NONE of that makes it wrong or unfair.
If we really want to claim to be people who are accepting, loving, open minded and welcoming, it is our duty to take in anyone who experiences similar problems as us. You can play games of who has it worse all day but what it comes down to is that we all bleed. We all hurt from the same places. We all struggle. And we all need someone to lean on and to know that we aren’t alone.
Asexuals, you are not alone. I am right here and I love you and I’m super proud to welcome you to call yourself “queer” if it makes you feel better about who and what you are.